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About My Toothache...

Self Dentistry Explained!

My first abscess was the most painful. The dentist popped it with a syringe full of cocaine. He made a big cut along the gum, and squeezed all the fluids out with a little blue spatula/scalpel type thing. He gave me anti-biotics for the next week, and the swelling went down after a few days.

My second abscess came up within a fortnight.

The dentist looked at it, then spent a few minutes rubbing and squeezing my jaws. She didn't use any needles or knives, but she gave me anti-biotics, and penicillin for the following week.

I noticed her pushing and squeezing my jaw line and cheeks had resulted in a whitehead appearing in my gums when I got home, so I pushed and squeezed my mouth a bit harder than she did, and it popped in my mouth.

The swelling went down after a few days.

Blair introduced his NHS dentist reforms last Friday, and my third abscess came up on Sunday evening.

The pattern was the same, first the tooth was a bit tingly, then uncomfortable, then painful. I didn't get to the agony stage, as I did a 9/11 on the third and after much squeezing, and squashing I pushed up from the jawline with one hand, like cia planted explosives, and pushed in from the cheek with the other, like an al-qaeda jumbo, and when I pushed them both together really hard, it happened...

I heard a pop and spurt of puss squirted out, followed by blood. It was just like a giant zit, only inside your face!

The next day there was no swelling, or pain, and no diarrhoea either, as I didn't have any penicillin or anti-biotics.

I phoned Blair's new and improved NHS Direct on Monday, and after spending thirty pence in a payphone listening to their into babble, I finally got to spend another ten pence talking to a woman who told me there's still no NHS dentist in Portsmouth!


© Sean Copland 1995-2014
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