Tiger Tia Copland
Rest In Peace
My cat died!
I found Tiger many years ago, when I was living in Wecock. I called her that because she was stripey, like a tiger. She was some kind of a stray/wildcat type thing that used to hang around the area, and one day she turned up crying with a broken tail. It was quite disturbing to see, as it had been knocked right over at the base, and looked like it was growing out of her buttock. It must have hurt like hell, and seeing as she didn't seem to have anyone to look after her, I took it upon myself to sort her out.
The PDSA refused to treat her at first because I didn't take a shitload of forms with me when I took her up there, and so she spent the weekend with me, crying out in agony everytime she had a shit.
Monday morning was the first appointment I could get for her, and as I gathered all the neccesary paperwork to get her free treatment, and tried to put her in a box but she had a panic attack and ran under my bed, refusing to come out, and running away whenever I tried to grab her.
I was stressed out because if we missed our appointment, we'd have to make another, and wait longer to get her tail fixed. I was also dying for a shit and as I sat on the toilet curling one out, I prayed to God for help in getting Tiger to the vets on time...
Then something strange happened. Something that's never happened before, or since!
I experienced a strange 'whooshing' type feeling down below, and my guts were emptied instantly. I got up and looked down the toilet, and was astonished to see what can only be described as the biggest turd I've ever seen in my entire life. Shocked at the sheer length of it curled up around the bottom of the bowl, I decided not to flush it away as I wanted to measure it for posterity when I got back from the vets.
I stuck my head under the bed and said "Please come out, we're late" to tiger, and amazingly, she walked straight out, let me pick her up, and put her in the box without panicing at all.
That was the first miracle I experienced with Tiger, and when I got back from the vets, I measured that turd, and you'll be amazed to know that it was an incredible twenty inches long from head to tail, with no breaks!
The second miracle was the magical tenner...
Tiger used to enjoy playing basketball around the house, by flicking screwed up balls of paper round the room with her paws all night long, particularly when I was trying to sleep. One evening, I was stark bollock broke, and feeling a bit low. I was sat on the sofa, watching TV, as Tiger played basketball with her little balls of paper, dribbling them around the living room.
Then, she meowed at me, and flicked a little ball toward me, like she wanted me to have it. I took no notice at first, but she meowed again, tapping it toward me, looking up at me, then down at the screwed up paper ball.
It was then that I looked at the ball and noticed something strange about it. It wasn't white like her normal balls, there was a brownish tinge to it. I looked a bit closer when she meowed again, and noticed that it wasn't a piece of paper at all, it was actually a scrunched up ten pound note!
That was when I knew that God had reimbursed me, in my time of need, for all the Whiskas and Tuna I'd been feeding her. I think I may have been a little bit drunk or stoned at the time, maybe even both, as I was convinced that Tiger was God, or at least an incarnation of him.
My sister came up a few days later, took one look at her and started pleading "Can I have her! Can I have her!"
And so it was that Tiger was renamed 'Tia' so as not to get confused with my sisters other cat 'Tiges', and spent the rest of her pampered life with her own back garden in middle class suburbia, snuggling up to sleep with her new best mate Tiges every night, with shitloads of free food, toys, and catnip, and a higher level of health care than I currently get on the NHS.
She's in kitty heaven now, and probably doesn't even remember me, but so long as she's happy, I don't mind.
© Sean Copland 1995-2014