When Hamsters Attack...
Kung Fu Killers Unleashed!
It was the day before my birthday...
After months of crisis loan after crisis loan, my income support giro finally came through after i signed on the sick, and I bought a second hand xbox for thirty quid. I spent the evening playing Need For Speed Most Wanted when I heard a 'tap-tap-tap' coming from under the chest of drawers so I pulled them out to see what was causing it, and after finding nothing, I continued with my gaming.
About an hour later, as I raced my pubbed up Punto through the Need For Speed streets, I saw something run across the bedroom floor out of the corner of my eye...
I was shocked to see a little grey mouse sitting there staring at me from the middle of the room!
We just sat there staring at eachother for a few minutes, then I tossed a cheese and onion Mini Cheddar in his direction to try and make friends with him. He just sat there staring at me, so I gently tossed a few more in his direction to see if he fancied a nibble, but he just sat there motionless.
After a few minutes, I walked slowly toward him, so as not to frighten him, and he just sat there staring at me. He wasn't interested in the Mini Cheddars, but I managed to gently scoop him up in a carrier bag, and give him a drink of water. I was going to put him outside, but I thought he'd be eaten by cats, especially seeing as he didn't run away from me, so I put him in an empty plastic washing liquid capsules tub on a bed of porridge oats, and left him there for the evening with a Mars bar and some water for company, where he sat seemingly transfixed at the tv screen, watching me play Need For Speed Most Wanted, from on top of the fridge.
The next day, I went to a pet shop to sort Mister Mouse out with some accommodation more appropriate to a mouse of his standing, and ended up paying twenty quid for a plastic tank, food, water bottle, bedding, sawdust, and a wheel. Contrary to popular belief, they don't eat cheese, at least not the Edam slices you get from Iceland.
Unfortunately, my new found friend's life of leisure proved to be a short lived one, as he passed away peacefully in his sleep later that day.
Not wanting to have wasted twenty quid on an empty rodent house, I went back to the petshop the following Monday, and bought some dwarf hamsters. They're about as big as my thumb, and that's as big as they get. I got two because I didn't want them to get lonely, but I had to seperate them because they fought like lions over the wheel...
I've seen their Kung-Fu, and it's frightening!
When Kung-Fu Killer Dwarf hamsters attack, they stand up on their back legs, tilt their heads back to protect their big eyes from their opponent, and then they proceed to bitchslap eachother with their front paws which they wave up and down wildly, like a woman trying to dry her nail polish really fast. Then, when one of them falls, the other dives on them, biting their soft fleshy underparts, namely the neck, belly, and groin.
Sometimes, when they're being really vicious with eachother, the one that's losing lets out a loud "EEEEK!" That's the only time they squeak and, if you haven't already done so, you have to break them up or they'll kill eachother.
I've since completed NFSMW (beating razor was easy - getting away from the police afterwards is the difficult bit) and was surprised, although not dissapointed to see no Ferraris in it. Ferraris are shit, although not as shit as Porsches, I've driven them in PGR2. The Enzo's not as bad as the rest but none come close to my NFSMW Punto. I'd be interested to see how it compares to the MC3 Mclaren F1 which, in my experience is the only supercar worth driving.
I've been trying to get on Xbox live to check out my driving skills with the net nerds, but it's seemingly impossible. I couldn't connect at all at first, I managed to get the ip and mac numbers from my laptop, and enter them manually, but it keeps asking for a subscription code...
I don't have to go through that crap to play internet checkers on my laptop!
If there are any game publishers out there, or anyone who wants to pay some programmers which, after all, is all any publishing houses do, what I want from a killer Xbox game is NFSMW driving and car customisation, San Adreas style gameplay, and the mp3 disk of tunes I burnt for my Xbox, but which it can't read...
Or better still, a little utility to read mp3 disks which it can copy to Xbox for the in game soundtrack, as we all have different musical tastes. In the meantime, does anyone know any internet livestock processors and international couriers for selling Kung-Fu Killer Dwarf hamster starter kits on the internet?
© Sean Copland 1995-2014